I regularly ask my barnet engineer for “about a quarter off”, only to emerge looking like a 14 year old marine who has cut his own hair mid-mission, using only a trusty field knife and handgun. The real concern is why hairdressers are so incompetent at fractions. I blame Broken Britain’s school system and feel that it’s up to pioneers of Britain’s hairdressing scene; such as David Cameron (who often advocates ridiculous cuts), to do something about it. I’m saddened that it has taken a celebrity such as Beyonce to highlight the problem to the public.
Presumably, Beyonce was also looking for a small fraction off (likely looking to correct the damage done during the on-stage incident where a stalker disguised as a fan grabbed her flowing locks); however, the stylist, unable to comprehend fractions, simply began hacking off hair with reckless abandon. In my experience, it is only once I start crying that the stylist will cease their vendetta against my previously beautiful, silky-smooth hair, asking if it’s “too short”. As yet, I have never met a stylist who was able to correct the situation, once my hair was declared “too short”, despite numerous Sellotape-based repair efforts.
On other occasions, when I’ve been asked what style I would like, I have requested that they make me look like a cross between Heston Blumenthal and Oprah Winfrey. As yet, I remain constantly disappointed, as the stylist is unable to capture the look perfectly and I regularly end up looking like an effeminate android. Perhaps Beyonce just wasn’t specific enough in her request for which style she was aiming for.
Additionally, I feel that Beyonce has perhaps been slightly reckless with her hair cut. I’m sure that everyone knows the story of biblical pop star Samson, whose career declined rapidly after his locks were severed, in a misguided attempt at gaining more followers on Twitter. I feel that this should have been enough of a historical precedent to warrant caution from Beyonce when she attended her local barber.
As a fifty five year old white male, I feel that I am probably best placed to provide style advice to Beyonce. I have decided that the style which simply works for me is half-head corn-rows. This allows me to maintain my cool, calm exterior when viewed from the back; but my lust for life is clearly evident from the front. I’d like to thank the mysterious Spanish gypsy woman, who I met in Benidorm, for her expert style advice.
