Thanks Good Housekeeping (if that really is your name) for the recommendation to add a sequin to my crotchless Sponge Bob Square Pants swimming trunks ensemble. While (as you rightly pointed out) the addition of the sequin did not kill me, it has resulted in serious injury and mental trauma. As well as incredible style.
Having spent the usual twenty minutes squeezing myself into the trunks, I then began attaching the sequin. Two days later; with so much loose thread about my person that I looked like a kidnap victim of the popular celebrity and talk-show host Spider Man; I had succeeded in attaching the sequin. However, I had sadly also sewn myself to myself. And sofa. While I had planned to re-cover my sofa in the near future, I had not envisioned that a well-restrained, mostly naked, man-child would be the cover that I chose (perhaps you can recommend an alternative pattern to use in your next blog).
The situation, although perilous, has actually provided some inspiration for my next outfit – sofa cushions attached to back of t-shirts and trousers. I’m certain that at some point, people have sat on a seat, small bush or discarded boulder and thought “this isn’t very comfortable”. My cushion-pant and cushion-shirt combination is the ideal answer to this everyday problem, as it provides a stylish and practical solution to everyone’s comfort needs. I’m sure that you have probably thought of this already, but I’m just an amateur tailor who dared to dream. However, I digress.
Although attaching the sequin was a fairly steep learning curve and used several sewing techniques which I was unfamiliar with, I feel that the project was a success. The sequin looks incredible and really makes the outfit come alive. I really like the way that the light catches it as I thrash around, trying to free myself from my cotton thread prison.
As if to make the situation worse, I cannot reach the television remote and it is currently paused on a re-run of the Great British Bake Off (I didn’t want to be distracted by a delicious Victoria Sponge). Mary Berry is currently frozen mid-sentence on the screen; looming over me like some sort of ghoulish, wooden spoon wielding, prison guard. Her damning comments on the lack of moisture in one of the contestant’s cupcakes may be the last human contact I ever have. Any sleep which I have had has been haunted with the completely rational fear that she will come alive and whisk me to death.
As my hands are currently bound by the wayward thread, I have had to type this using a series of pecking motions and sadly, my nose is an incredibly inaccurate typing wand. This thank you letter alone has taken over four days of constant pecking and re-pecking to write and I’m still not certain that it is free of spelling mistakes. Additionally, my over-use of brackets in the letter has made it even harder (as simultaneously pressing the shift-key on the keyboard along with “9” or “0”, using a combination of my nose and tongue, is a near impossible task).
While your advice has been inspiring, I feel that you did not take into account the lack of skill of your readers, as the sequin project may be too complicated for others and they may find that their projects do not turn out as well as mine has. The thought of a pair of ric rac braces attached to the swimming trunks may be too good an idea to resist, though I may not have the opportunity to start it. My only hope is that I can teach the nearby house mouse to delicately unpick my exceptional backstitches, freeing me from my thread-based tomb, before I starve. Or get whisked to death.