Taking a break from looking at my neighbour through her window with my night-vision goggles, I was horrified to turn and see a mouse standing in the doorway of my lounge.
The hideous beast’s fiery eyes locked onto mine, the sheer malevolent hatred emanating from them nearly caused me to burst into flames where I sat. The monster began thundering across the room, causing the room to shake as if a nearby washing machine was on a spin cycle. It’s teeth flashed like sabres in the darkened room, it’s murderous intent was clear – it was coming for me! As the fluffy, two inch death-machine hurtled towards me, I did what any man in my position would do and promptly soiled myself while screaming. Clearly mistaking my slightly effeminate screams for a war cry, the mistakenly-intimidated hell-beast turned and fled. I had survived the ordeal. Just. My underwear had not.
The next fortnight I spent either crying myself to sleep or shaking with fear in a corner. Armed with fish-slice and bin lid, I awaited the next attack. What little sleep I had was uncomfortable, due to the full body chainmail which I had to wear to prevent the mouse from devouring me in my sleep. Having barely survived this traumatic fortnight, I felt it was time to take more positive action. I purchased a hunting knife, crossbow and Rambo costume. As my muscular frame barely filled the costume, I realised that I should have purchased the ages 8-10 size, not the ages 10-12. Regardless, the outfit provided me with enough confidence to face my foe head-on.
Unfortunately, as a result of several failed mouse-hunting excursions and general lack of competence on my part; the majority of my flat is now covered in crossbow bolt divets and bullet holes. Upgrading the crossbow to a small assault rifle was a mistake, I realise that now. Ironically, on account of the additional holes, the mouse had become harder to track down. If anything, I believe that the extra holes enticed more mice into my flat, as I began seeing the fiendish Satan-spawn increasingly often. They were clearly forming a pack mentality and were obviously planning on hunting me down, in a manner akin to that of Velociraptors in the life-changing documentary “Jurassic Park”. I realised that a head-on assault was not conducive to a positive outcome for either my mental health, or my possessions in general (having previously cleaved my television in half with a misguided hunting-knife slash).
Following this debacle, I decided that a more devious, stealth-base approach was required. Over the next 4 months, using a complex system of levers and pulleys which culminated in a large cage being lowered slowly from the ceiling; I constructed an elaborate Mouse Entrapment Device (similar to the popular children’s game “Mouse Trap”). While the levers and pulleys were constructed of solid titanium, I constructed the remainder of the Mouse Entrapment Device from household items (such as sieves, wellington boots, depleted uranium) in order to minimise costs. If anyone would like to see the blue-print for my Mouse Entrapment Device, please feel free to contact me. I can also recommend several mechanical engineers and lever manufacturers, without who’s help; I could not have completed my Mouse Entrapment Device.
Unfortunately, it became evident that there was a large amount of false advertising on the part of “Mouse Trap”, as the device is actually amongst the least practical for catching small, fast-moving rodents. While my Mouse Entrapment Device has failed to catch any mice, it has thankfully meant that visitors are unable to view my bullet-hole-riddled possessions, as the majority of my flat’s wall and floor space is covered by the device.
Eventually, having spend tens of thousands of pounds on weaponry, expert advice and building materials (which now actually appears to have been a waste of money), I have decided that the best approach is to follow the mantra “To catch a mouse, one must act like a mouse”. To that end, I have super-glued tufts of fur over the entirety of my body and am now living beneath my floorboards. While the space is cramped, my plan is working, as I have recently befriended a family of mice. I am slowly learning their language and I believe that I have earned their trust. I intend to continue with my plan for the next 4-5 years, by this time, I fully expect to have gained enough knowledge of their movements that I can set up traditional mouse traps in the correct locations and finally eradicate the problem.