Operation Yewtree has captured it’s latest perpetrator, investigators are delighted to reveal. The suspect cannot be named due to legal implications, so every effort will be made not to reveal the culprit’s identity. Our lawyers have advised that referring to him (or her) as Donald D is deemed to be too obvious, so he (or she) will be referred to as Mr D Duck for the remainder of the article; in order to maintain their anonymity. They will also be referred to as “he”, however, readers should be aware that this could be another layer in the elaborate ploy to keep their identity secret.
Mr D Duck first came to investigator’s attention when he regularly turned up to work as a children’s entertainer, wearing only his signature blue jacket and hat combination. While the combination showed a great deal of fashion flair, the outfit did little to cover Mr Duck’s lower body, meaning that he continually exposed his feather-adorned genitals to children. Again, due to potential legal issues, our legal team has highlighted that they were allegedly feather-adorned and may or may not have actually been covered in feathers. Either way, he definitely exposed them.
“Frankly, I don’t see what the issue is with my client’s attire- the jacket is very dapper and the hat worn at the jaunty angle really completes the look” explained a spokesperson for Mr Duck, clearly believing that crimes against fashion were the key issue, not the near-child full frontal nudity. “If my client’s attire is unacceptable, I feel that investigations should also be made into his former employer, Michael Mouse, who was famous for wearing only dungaree shorts when entertaining children. This regularly afforded Mr Mouse the opportunity to expose his third and fourth nipples to groups of children” continued the spokesperson.
It is believed that Mr Duck left Mr Mouse’s employ due to Mr Duck’s repeated and increasingly aggressive, sexual advances towards Mr Mouse’s life partner, Minnie, despite her being genetically incompatible. This claim has not been substantiated, however, Mr Duck and Mr Mouse cite creative differences as the reason for parting company.
Mr Duck’s spokesperson also pointed out that, while his client’s surname is Duck; by a cruel twist of fate, his client is also actually a duck. His client would therefore have no interest in human children, other than if they were distributing bread at the local pond or if they were complimenting him on his incredible dress sense. Prosecutors have questioned why, if this was the case, Mr Duck and Mr Mouse build several theme parks, with the specific intention of attracting children in large numbers. The pair have also acted as agent for a number of children-orientated musicians, such as the Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana and Metallica, increasing their access to children on an unprecedented scale.