The coalition government today announced a controversial new scheme designed to bailout the UKs crippled hairdressing industry. The scheme, which will cost the UK taxpayer billions, is set to be rolled out next year. The industry, which was previously regarded as cut above the rest, has fallen on hard times due to the complete and utter disregard for client requests, coupled with the sale of products which were too complex for the general public.
It is intended, amongst other objectives, to educate the UK’s mathematically challenged barnet sculptors in the mystical art of calculating fractions. It is hoped that this will allow the discerning gent to safely ask for “a quarter off”, without fear of complete annihilation of his painstakingly cultivated mop. “There appears to be a complete misunderstanding of the basic concept of fractions amongst the UK’s hairdressing system. 10 out of 8 men live in constant fear of leaving their local barber looking like a 14 year old lesbian on account of the heavy-handed approach adopted by their stylist”, explained Nicholas Clog, who has been cutting his own hair since his early teens, just in case.
Warren Buffon, the slightly effeminate chief economist at Shead and Holders claimed “It’s not entirely the hairdressing industry’s fault – the current regime of soft-touch regulation has allowed several hairdressers to carry out unmonitored head-shaves and radical restyles at will; despite the best interests of their clients. This has led to massive profits and an excessive bonus structure, which is completely out of control. Unlike my beautiful, silky-smooth hair”.
The UK’s Hairdressing Index, a measure of consumer confidence, has dropped nearly 40 points in the last six months. Taking a break from shouting at traffic, Reginald Turnpike had this to say: “Personally, I blame the likes of him out of Twilight and The Jedward. I used The Jedward as inspiration for my most recent haircut. All that happened was the kids in the playground I was hanging around laughed at me. At fifty six, I’m not sure that my self-esteem can take it. Men using hair-straighteners – that’s why this county is in the state it is”. At this stage, it’s unclear why we chose to interview Mr Turnpike.
While it remains to be seen if the new scheme will save the struggling hairdressing industry; one thing is clear – the reader has had a close shave, as this article missed out on the opportunity to use some classic hairdressing puns.