I’m Not Shallow

You know, I’m getting really tired of people calling me shallow. Just because I like fluffy pink things and don’t understand long sentences, doesn’t mean that I’m an air-head. Books and the news are boring, everyone knows that, so I mean, OMG, don’t judge me for not paying attention. I read my favourite footballers’ Tweets, so it’s not like I don’t know what’s going on in the world. I really like footballers. This one time, I wanked-off Eric Cantona behind the recycling bins at Lidl. I didn’t realise he had such a strong Geordie accent, but he had a t-shirt with his name on the back, so it must have been him. It felt super dirty because there were loads of poor people walking around.

Oh yeah, what’s with poor people dressing so badly?! Like, I know you don’t have much money, but is that really an excuse for not having new clothes? And have you not heard of Botox?! LOLsies! I do good deeds though, and give them some pointers about why their clothes are ugly and suggest ways their faces could be less offensive to look at. Sometimes though, there really is no way to polish a turd!

Doing good by helping the ugly really makes me feel like a modern-day Lady Diana. I really admire the way she went to Africa to suggest ways the orphans could improve themselves. She had a point: I mean come on, if you know you’re going to be on the telly, at least make the effort and be sure your hair is nice or wear some make-up – flies are not a good look! Unless they were Gucci flies. Maybe they were. God, they better not be, I’d feel such a silly head if I was so far behind the latest fashion. I’ll need to make sure they aren’t the latest accessory, but only after I’ve posted pictures of myself naked to everyone in One Direction.

Talking of the latest accessories, I must text all my friends to tell them about my new hand bag. My friends keep changing their numbers, so it can be really hard to track them down, but that’s what private detectives are for, I suppose! Just in case any of them have changed their numbers again, I’ll Facebook them as well. Updating Facebook is one of my favourite things to do. I think it’s important to tell people what’s happening in my life, so that they have something to aspire to. I think it must be nice for The Normals to have such an awesome person in their lives. I have around 5,000 friends on Facebook. Some people say that that’s poor quality control, but I don’t know what that means!

I think I’m a super nice person. This one time, a tramp asked me for change and I wasn’t even sick in my mouth. I think that’s a challenge for anyone, especially considering that they’d run out of fake tan at the beautician that day. I think that only spraying his dirty face with mace was positively saintly!  That’s another reason why I’m like Lady Diana. Lady Diana or that other one, the old lady with a face like a raisin and the funny hat; Mother Teresa or something. If I ever meet her I think I should tell her that she needs to ease off on the sun-beds, her skin has gone all super leathery! And her hat is way too fashion forward.

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