Late one night, while sewing sequins to my new vigilante super hero outfit, I was flicking entirely randomly between TV channels when a girl appeared on screen dancing with no clothes on. I was understandably concerned that she had not noticed that her clothes had fallen off, so I immediately called the number on screen. Thirty seconds and a £25 phone call later, I had established that, in fact, the girl knew that she had no clothes on. However, she informed me that she liked my sense of humour and I sounded super sexy on the phone, so she would like to meet. For a mere £60 an hour! This was far less than people usually charge me to spend time in their company. Realising that she was an incredibly sincere individual, I didn’t want to pass up such an opportunity, so we arranged to meet.
I have been meeting Candy Crush for around 3 weeks now. Despite it costing me a fortune due to her hourly rate, I really enjoy having coffee and playing Magic The Gathering with her. I don’t really like the taste of coffee, but I need to keep up the façade that I’m incredibly cool, so I keep drinking it, despite the regular heart palpitations and horrendous insomnia which I experience as a result. It remains unclear to me why she dresses so sparsely for playing Magic The Gathering and frowns continuously while we are playing, but I really enjoy myself, as I win nearly every time. Occasionally, Candy will suggest that we play strip Magic the Gathering, but I don’t think that’s very realistic, as magical beings could just cast spells to take each other’s clothes off. Like in that weird director’s cut version of Harry Potter that I saw one time – I had no idea that they edited out so much full-frontal nudity from the cinema versions. And the books.
It was early last week that Candy Crush wanted to visit me at my house. As I still live with my parents and I didn’t want them to be laughing at me for playing with a girl; I constructed an elaborate web of lies which meant that they were arrested and tried for treason. Thus, I knew that they wouldn’t be home and I was able to entertain my guest without fear of their embarrassing comments – truly, a victimless crime.
Candy had suggested on the phone (which was still costing me around £25 per call) that we do some role playing, as it could really spice things up. I wasn’t sure what she meant by this, but agreed to it anyway. She suggested that I dress up as a professor. As I have very few adult clothes, I attempted to make a professor’s outfit by borrowing one of my mum’s blouses and sewing patches to the elbows of my high school blazer. Unfortunately, the only available material to use was already attached to the sofa, so it was hard to cut it to the correct size. After numerous attempts and potentially two ruined sofa cushions, I decided to change plans. Eventually, I concluded that a professor is basically a wizard; so, with some minor alterations to the lounge curtains, I had a near-perfect (albeit very floral) wizard/ professor’s cloak. I spent the remaining 8 hours preparing for my first ever evening of role playing.
When Candy arrived, she was dressed as a naughty school girl. I could tell that she was a naughty, as she was chewing gum. I settled into the role playing quickly and immediately told her to spit out her chewing gum. There would be no chewing gum in any of my classes. Next, her uniform was unbelievably short, which would only act as a distraction in class, so I had her change into a longer skirt. Sadly, all that was available was a travel rug, which I wrapped around her and fastened crudely with safety pins and staples. She complained constantly about it itching her legs, which I found incredibly irritating, but I was determined not to let it ruin my evening, as I was beginning to enjoy the role playing.
Next up was double geography. A completely un-erotic tour of the counties of southern England. Candy seemed to be entirely uninterested and spent most of the lesson texting on her phone, which I then had to confiscate. She was becoming increasingly unruly and I warned her that her behaviour was becoming disruptive. This only seemed to make things worse as she started asking if she’d been a bad girl and making erotic advances. She even tried to touch me on my Trouser Parts. I found this entirely inappropriate, as I was her teacher and, given that I didn’t know what year she was pretending to be in at school, she could have potentially been as young as pretend 12. If anything had happened, I could have been sent to jail and would have had my teaching license, which I made myself, revoked.
Thankfully, after this incident, it was break-time. I sent Candy outside and retired to the rudimentary staff room which I’d constructed in my parent’s dining room. While I was drinking mediocre coffee, complaining about the PTA and marking pretend homework; Candy began knocking on the window and shouting furiously. I could barely hear her over the pouring rain, but I explained that she should use the shelter of the bike shed, which I’d spent most of the morning piecing together.
After around forty five minutes, I realised that the school bell hadn’t rung, as I’d forgotten to make one. Rummaging through Candy’s hand bag, I found a rape alarm, which served as the perfect substitute. Simultaneously ending break-time and causing every dog in the neighbourhood to start barking wildly, I set off the alarm.
Being back at school was obviously not as fun as Candy had remembered, as she was in an absolutely terrible mood for the rest of the evening. While I had a brilliant time role playing, Candy said “It was one of the least enjoyable evenings she ever had the misfortune of attending and she did not intend to partake of my company again”. I’ll be honest, that isn’t a direct quote, but it sums up her feelings adequately. I was tempted to give her an hour’s detention, on account of her terrible behaviour, but that would have only resulted in me having to pay her another £60. Anyway, Candy had to leave early, presumably to do the homework which I assigned her. I’m yet to hear from her again, but I suspect that is mostly down to the fact that I still have her phone.