Beliebe me, as a 58 year old mental patient, I appreciate Bieber as much as the guys in the cells next to me; however, I feel that his actions at his last gig were utterly unacceptable. In protest, I have started temporarily removing most of the posters of the lyrical wonder-kid from the walls of my padded room. Let that be a lesson to you Bieber. Until I receive a full written apology from the teen icon, I will remove one poster a day from my walls, giving my beloved Justin a mere 2 months to apologise, before my walls are restored to their fully padded and sound-proofed glory. Unfortunately, as a result of the restraining orders and guards at the

I regularly ask my barnet engineer for “about a quarter off”, only to emerge looking like a 14 year old marine who has cut his own hair mid-mission, using only a trusty field knife and handgun. The real concern is why hairdressers are so incompetent at fractions. I blame Broken Britain’s school system and feel that it’s up to pioneers of Britain’s hairdressing scene; such as David Cameron (who often advocates ridiculous cuts), to do something about it. I’m saddened that it has taken a celebrity such as Beyonce to highlight the problem to the public. Presumably, Beyonce was also looking for a small fraction off (likely looking to correct the damage done during the on-stage incident where a stalker disguised

It was a sunny day. The first in a long time. Herdy walked through the park, enjoying the heat of the Scottish summer. She pulled her scarf around her. It wasn’t cold enough to see your breath, which is why many of the locals were walking around with their tops off – they loved the heat of the sun against their badly tattooed backs. The red glow of their skin wasn’t through lack of sun protection, but through lack of wind-proofing. Herdy played with the peanuts in her pocket. They used to be chocolate covered, but she didn’t like the nut part. She was saving them for her newest friend. They were for Da Vinci, the squirrel which she had recently

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